It took me two years to recognize that I was drowning in the grief of losing who I thought I would be, that I had forgotten I had any potential left in me at all. I never allowed myself to see that I could still be sick and I could still be happy.
Who I used to be (and my ultimate dream):
The healthier version of me was a compassionate nurses aide attending Utah State University in hopes of becoming a nurse. I intertwined my love for the elderly and my passion for learning and gave my energy to both equally. I truly believed I could truly be someone great in this field. My dream was to be a Hospice nurse, having had the compassion and strength to assist in life's most difficult stage of life - and I was good at it. I had even let myself dream further by secretly hoping to open my own Hospice facility in the mouth of Logan Canyon someday. I wanted to provide one-on-one care at all times for each resident. I wanted my patients to have a garden sitting area, a river walk way, and access to all the beautiful things that nature offers (all hospital bed accessible, of course). I believed that one should be surrounded with the beauty and comfort that most enjoy in all stages of their lives, in the closing of one's own. To accomplish this for myself and for others would have been my absolute dream.
Who I no longer recognized:
As I became more and more symptomatic (foggy, exhausted, nauseous, dizzy) I realized this dream was not within reach, considering my many new found limitations. And so my plans changed. I changed my major from Nursing to Social Work surely believing that this is where I could be comfortable, yet still benefit the community I once adored serving. I changed my focus and fell very much in love with the classes I was taking and I was truly interested in each textbook that I read. YES, I could most definitely find a love in social work and still BE somebody. So I continued my schooling and worked three to four 12 hour shifts each week. Little did I know these days of hard work and unlimited energy would soon come to an end.
Work was becoming unbearably difficult for me. I began having regular anxiety attacks where I couldn't walk very far without feeling nauseous, lightheaded, and very much out of breath. It seemed with each passing day I lost more and more ability. I was losing the ME who had spread kindness and love. So I made the difficult choice to walk away from being a nurses aide, as I had no longer felt I was benefiting my community in the sickly state that I was in.
Today I woke up and immediately told myself that I would need to call into work. I felt I couldn't possibly get through another day given all the energy I've been giving the world lately. But then something clicked for me. I told myself that I cannot let myself live in fear of what I won't be able to do, instead I can allow myself to do what I can. So I got out of bed, showered, cleaned the kitchen and I cooked a few meals. I packed my stuff up to go to work and without hesitating I let myself do the hard things that I just previously told myself I couldn't possibly do. That made me HAPPY.
Who I no longer recognized:
As I became more and more symptomatic (foggy, exhausted, nauseous, dizzy) I realized this dream was not within reach, considering my many new found limitations. And so my plans changed. I changed my major from Nursing to Social Work surely believing that this is where I could be comfortable, yet still benefit the community I once adored serving. I changed my focus and fell very much in love with the classes I was taking and I was truly interested in each textbook that I read. YES, I could most definitely find a love in social work and still BE somebody. So I continued my schooling and worked three to four 12 hour shifts each week. Little did I know these days of hard work and unlimited energy would soon come to an end.
Work was becoming unbearably difficult for me. I began having regular anxiety attacks where I couldn't walk very far without feeling nauseous, lightheaded, and very much out of breath. It seemed with each passing day I lost more and more ability. I was losing the ME who had spread kindness and love. So I made the difficult choice to walk away from being a nurses aide, as I had no longer felt I was benefiting my community in the sickly state that I was in.
So I changed my path completely by getting a stable job where I would perform the same tasks each day with reasonable, steady hours. And for awhile I was not only content again, but I was happy. I was thriving while working in production and I was meeting each goal that I had set for myself. I had made the goal of being able to apply for a Trainer position, knowing that in previous work places, this is where so much of my talent was. I was consistently bettering myself. I was proud of myself.
Losing myself to illness:
Then, in what seemed like a blink of an eye, everything changed. Over the course of a few months, my hips had begun giving out on me, my knees both swelled, and my shoulder randomly froze in its place. I had over 20 chiropractor visits, 15 sessions of physical therapy, and countless doctors visits, all within a six month period. No one could explain to me why I was constantly disabled and in pain. Still, I braced my body and continued to persist in the things I knew I could do. I could still benefit my work team. I could still show up to class and try try TRY. If only I had known that soon I would never have that part of my life back again.
Then, in what seemed like a blink of an eye, everything changed. Over the course of a few months, my hips had begun giving out on me, my knees both swelled, and my shoulder randomly froze in its place. I had over 20 chiropractor visits, 15 sessions of physical therapy, and countless doctors visits, all within a six month period. No one could explain to me why I was constantly disabled and in pain. Still, I braced my body and continued to persist in the things I knew I could do. I could still benefit my work team. I could still show up to class and try try TRY. If only I had known that soon I would never have that part of my life back again.
It was October and I remember waking up calmly. I had slept in alongside my sweet husband and our darling cat, Mew Mew. I laid in bed embracing the fact that I was feeling good, blessed, and hopeful. I remember I sat up slowly and immediately felt something was wrong. I took a few steps out of bed and then suddenly fell to the ground. I tried to get back up but I was out of breath and couldn't focus. Then it hit me. I was going to be sick. I crawled as fast I could to the bathroom, and immediately became sick. I was suddenly absolutely exhausted. I went to stand so that I could clean myself up but every time I tried I would start to pass out. Then it occurred to me to check my vital signs. YES. This is where everything changed for me. My pulse, by just sitting up off the floor, would spike to 130 beats per minute. This was when I was absolutely sure of the thing I feared the most. This was the day I knew my life would never be the same.
The next year of my life consisted of endless doctor visits, both near and far. I began losing consciousness often. I could no longer comprehend my school work. I was no longer able to efficiently perform my work duties. In my eyes I had completely lost ME. So I dropped out of school. I went out of work on long term disability and I focused on finding answers for my health. It has been a year since I have received all the diagnoses that explain what has become of ME. And as previously stated, I had wasted almost two years drowning myself in the fact that my life is no longer what it used to be. I allowed myself to be discouraged to the point where no happiness could possibly creep in.
Who I've become:
Who I've become:
Today I woke up and immediately told myself that I would need to call into work. I felt I couldn't possibly get through another day given all the energy I've been giving the world lately. But then something clicked for me. I told myself that I cannot let myself live in fear of what I won't be able to do, instead I can allow myself to do what I can. So I got out of bed, showered, cleaned the kitchen and I cooked a few meals. I packed my stuff up to go to work and without hesitating I let myself do the hard things that I just previously told myself I couldn't possibly do. That made me HAPPY.
I believe it took those two long years of grief to teach me that I can still be sick and I can still be me.
Before I would have told you that I am content but I am sick. That I have a job but I can't work full time, nor contribute the way that I used to. I would have claimed that I provide for my family but not in any way they need.
But now I will tell you, I am sick but I am happy. I am grateful that I have a job that allows me to work as much as I can, and rest when I am less able. I will tell you that I take more time focusing on how I can help those around me, and by doing so I am able to provide more for my family. I will tell you that today I am happy because today I chose to do what I am able to. Tomorrow may be different. The waves will come and go with each flare that occurs when you have a chronic illness, but the difference is making the best out of what we have. I cannot wait to see who I will become once I give it my all. I cannot wait to embrace all of ME.
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