"How are you?" they ask, and stuttering I mumble under my breath the answer that I know they won't understand.
"I'm still struggling, but i'm doing my best - what do you do?" I reply, looking down at my feet hoping no one will notice how they've quickly turned blue. I flex my calves a few times and guide myself to the nearest available seat.
"Oh...well..." they reply, eyes always shifting away from mine.
"But don't worry, I showed up and that's truly something!" I explain, hoping that someone someday will understand how much it truly means when I show up to greet the world that I used to love.
I change the subject quickly every time I'm asked how I'm doing. I've learned it makes others feel awkward. Can I blame them? I'm not the ME that I used to be. The person I am now hesitates upon answering honestly, and usually lies to spare those around me who wouldn't understand anyway.
So, how am I really? I am heartbroken, overwhelmed, and exhausted. I am in pain, lonely, and frustrated. I am confused, I am embarrassed, and I am grieving the person I thought I would be.
"How dramatic, right?" That's usually the first thing I say when I choose to share with those around me the reality of my life. But I know better. I'm not being dramatic. My future has changed, my quality of life has changed, and there is no "correct answer" that will soothe the mind of those around me.
Some of you may think it's unfair for me to be pessimistic about the cards I've been dealt. Maybe you have thought to yourself, "She could at least try to be happy with what she does have." But how do you know whether or not someone is trying? For me, "trying" is when I successfully muster the energy to wash AND STYLE my hair. Someday's I show that I try by driving myself to a doctors appointment, then making the follow up appointments right after. Other days the simplicity of grocery shopping on my own is a huge success, even though I know I'll be stuck in bed for the next four hours after.
So how happy is someone expected to be? How is it that I feel so heavy with guilt when I'm honest about the conditions I'm now forced to live with? Why would I rather lie to those I love to spare them the reality that is now my life?
I am humiliated, and I am weak, but I am trying. As far as I'm concerned that's enough to get me through until tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel a little more like ME.
So, how am I really? I am heartbroken, overwhelmed, and exhausted. I am in pain, lonely, and frustrated. I am confused, I am embarrassed, and I am grieving the person I thought I would be.
"How dramatic, right?" That's usually the first thing I say when I choose to share with those around me the reality of my life. But I know better. I'm not being dramatic. My future has changed, my quality of life has changed, and there is no "correct answer" that will soothe the mind of those around me.
Some of you may think it's unfair for me to be pessimistic about the cards I've been dealt. Maybe you have thought to yourself, "She could at least try to be happy with what she does have." But how do you know whether or not someone is trying? For me, "trying" is when I successfully muster the energy to wash AND STYLE my hair. Someday's I show that I try by driving myself to a doctors appointment, then making the follow up appointments right after. Other days the simplicity of grocery shopping on my own is a huge success, even though I know I'll be stuck in bed for the next four hours after.
So how happy is someone expected to be? How is it that I feel so heavy with guilt when I'm honest about the conditions I'm now forced to live with? Why would I rather lie to those I love to spare them the reality that is now my life?
I am humiliated, and I am weak, but I am trying. As far as I'm concerned that's enough to get me through until tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel a little more like ME.
Comments
Post a Comment