The Mountains We Climb

Hey there, Loves!
The following is written in response to the The Mighty post, "Being Unable to Work is Not a Vacation"by Lisa Prins, linked below. I felt encouraged to write my own experience and share it with you all. I am hoping that by sharing this others might be encouraged to stop and ponder before making a judgement of what they do not know. I also want to spread awareness of what it's truly like to conquer mountains every day. I want those who get stuck "climbing" to know they are not alone and that someone, somewhere (surprise, it's me) is proud. I hope you find comfort that you are not alone, and I hope you enjoy! XoXo!

TheMighty - Being Unable to Work is Not a Vacation

Upon returning to work recently, a friend and co-worker pulled me aside and explained how excited she was that I had finally found answers to why I had been so sick. I couldn't wait to share my gratitude and excitement for this as well, after all, i had been nine months out on a leave of absence. Any amount of support blows me away, but before I could show any gratitude she mentioned that my entire work team used to talk down on me the moment I was out of sight. Apparently they simply saw me as "being lazy," when in reality I was busy trying not to pass out from the walk from my car to the break room. She explained how everyone would express that "I didn't deserve to be there" if I "really was sick." They talked about how my presence was A BURDEN to them and the company, when to me, I showed up every damn day and did everything that I could just to assist the team. I thought that by showing up, I would be sporting what someone with a good work ethic would do. But no one cared to see me as such.

Nine months have passed since being diagnosed with P.O.T.S, and I've gained three more chronic Illness diagnoses along the way. I feel immensely grateful that even though my health (and ultimately my entire lifestyle) has changed, I still have been given the opportunity to help in any way that I can.Unfortunately though, I am unable to return to the fast pace job that I used to have in production. But even so, I still show up to the same team that found it in their hearts to call me lazy, when I was sick. I return to the same individuals that still pass judgement when I cannot breathe, when my joints and bones are aching, when I am entirely fatigued, when I can barely walk, and my body is shaking. I still hear the whispers of, "Why is she even here?" "She gets to sit out here all day with her feet up?" "She should just go home." But I don't.

Instead I wake up EVERY DAY and put my aching feet on the ground. I stand up and don't allow myself the time to even feel how sick I'm going to be that day. I take my first few steps and usually gasp from the shock of how much pain I am in. The first words out of my mouth each day are usually the same annoying apology that I speak to my husband, "I'm sorry I'm complaining again, I really am in pain, it's not my fault, I really am trying." I suck up the guilt I feel from bringing such negativity into our house so early in the day. Often times I wait until I am alone and I simply cry. Each day I put my body down into a hot bath which is one of the things that can actually soothe me. And each day I am only able to lay in such heat for a tolerated five minutes before my body shuts down. Oh, and it's worth a mention that climbing out of the bath is more painful than you could imagine. I sit on the bathroom floor, I see my reflection, I am aware of the weight that I can't seem to stop gaining. I brush away the tears and put on my pretty face, but only from the comfort of my bathroom floor; I would be so lucky if I could complete my makeup standing for once. My heart races and soon my mind does too. "What things do I have to force myself to do today?" Usually my day is full of therapy, errands, then straight to work. If the world only knew how much that is to someone with a chronic Illness. I suppose it would be similar to telling someone healthy to run a four hour marathon, go to work after, and see how difficult it is to act "normal." But I do. Every single damn day, I do.


So, I ask, were my co-workers right? Could I possibly just be "lazy" when I fight to do my part every single day? Is it my work ethic that suffers when I have to accommodate my day around my symptoms and my health? Am I truly "undeserving" to try to work for my own self-esteem, as well as contribute to the household I'm in? Is it so bad for me to have to take a few minutes longer to put myself back together, because I know I do not have the support of those around me?

No. I am not lazy. I am not unworthy. I can be a valuable employee, and actually I can even be your friend. It's funny how hard I still try even knowing of the disappointing light you choose to see me in. Because that's who I am. Everyone has burdens, but damn it, no one is one. It's time others acknowledge that some people climb and climb all day, just to be able to participate in everyday activities of life. When was the last time that you said something encouraging to someone who showed up, despite it all anyway?