Painsomnia!

Long rant ahead due to...PAINSOMNIA! And a few lessons LEARNED.

Life with chronic pain (thanks to Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome), chronic dizziness, low BP, nausea and brain fog (shout out to Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome), and chronic complaining (that's just because I'm a dramatic pain to be around in general).

Though every moment of every day I am always in some amount of pain, I don't think I'll ever be used to the painful random FLARES. My day started at 3 a.m. Even before I would open my eyes I would feel it - the instability of my legs, the burning deep down into my bones, the excruciating joint subluxations from my slightest movements. Yet another FLARE. By 8 a.m I had taken three baths. I crawled my way upstairs to bed countless times only to return back downstairs to the couch. Here (on the couch) I can kick, cry and fidget with the heating pad cozied underneath the weight of my dead legs. Painsomnia had kicked in and I felt HOPELESS. I stared at my pill bottles and cried. Not only could I not remember if I had taken my meds last night, but I also didn't want to medicate knowing I had to go to work. I then immediately began stressing about that - "you have to go to work." I told myself there was no way I could call in again, having already missed many days this year. So I pushed thoughts of pain away, got up, and began my daily routine. Do the dishes, make a meal or two, clean my tear stained face, and get my shit together. But wait! POTS doesn't care for any of that. Heart rate in the 140's, I was forced to bring out my wheelchair. Well let me tell y'all what. It is SUPER difficult cooking and cleaning from a wheelchair. Also, if your joints dislocate and sublux to every slightest movement, you probably shouldn't be pushing (dragging) yourself around to begin with! So I tortured my way through those tasks and cozied in to my fourth bath of the day. Except this time my blood pressure wasn't tolerating anything and became lower due to the heat -not even then could I find comfort. Very frustrated, sick, and exhausted I returned to my tasks. Then, all at once, I had an epiphany.

After putting myself through all that unnecessary BS I realized, I do not have to kill myself by trying to live. I do not have to guilt my way into work and potentially make myself more sick because of it. I am not required to get my shit together if I can (literally) barely even stand. But what I DO need to do is take my damn pills on a regular basis. I need to stop being stubborn and take the narcotics if nothing else has brought me comfort. I need to remember to ask for help and to kick the cat out of my wheelchair when my body is screaming at me to use it. I need to trust my body and call into work so that when I am more stable, I can return with energy and intention (thank God for disability benefits which allows me to do this).

🤬It. You know what I need? I need to be SEDATED.

*Drops mic. Steps off soapbox. Dies of exhaustion*